photo by picjumbo.com

Late last night as I sat on the couch trying to stay awake as I nursed, I was pondering if I was a “good” mother or not.  At the time I was tired, hungry, I had to pee, my arm was asleep, and was feeling a little sorry for myself, sad to say.

They say everyone has at least one thing that they are good at.  If that’s true,  I’m not sure that I have ever found my “thing” yet.

In school, I was able to maintain a 3.85 GPA without really trying.  I’m sure that had I made an effort I could have had a 4.0 or close to it, but it was never that important to me.  There were no specific subjects that I excelled at.

Art is something that has always interested me since childhood.  Even now I still draw, paint, and color, among other things.  My work has always been rather pedestrian.  I have never created something that has made anyone say, “Wow!” or “That’s amazing!”  I have never made anything that anyone has wanted to display,  other than just to be nice to me.  I have not yet posted any of my art on here yet,  mostly because I am afraid of the negative feedback I might get.

Writing has always been an interest, as well, although I have never achieved anything beyond mediocrity, other than an essay that won a scholarship in 8th grade (so thank you, my few generous followers for following me).

I studied French for seven years and spent a summer in an immersion program in France.  I never felt confident in my speaking ability and never achieved fluency.  Now it has been so long since I have been able to converse with anyone in French that I have lost much of what I learned.

While I try hard at work each day, I couldn’t be considered an expert at my job.  I enjoy it (to a certain extent), it is a challenge, and I learn something new every day, but I don’t think I would be considered “good” at it.

This lifelong sense of mediocrity scares me.  Perhaps maybe I have never truly made a full-fledged attempt to excel at something before.  I have always been the shy, quiet type who never wanted attention on me… have I always unintentionally stayed average?  What if I will never be “good” at something,  only destined to be “OK” at a lot of things?  What if this also holds true to my ability as a wife and mother too?  I don’t want to be just “OK” at these two pursuits.  I want to be looked back on as being a great wife and mother someday.

It is a lot to think about.  I don’t have an answer, but right now there is a little girl who thinks I am pretty awesome and that makes me feel good.  I am going to work hard every day so that she always thinks so.  Maybe this my “thing.”