Today I feel like shit. I’m not going to sugarcoat it.
I’ve done it. I have hit a new low.
Today is casual Friday at work, where we are allowed to wear jeans with a shirt embroidered with our company logo. This morning I put on my only clean pair of jeans and to my horror, I found out that I could not button them. Not even close. And even if I could somehow lay down on the bed and squeeze into them enough to be able to button them, I would be incredibly uncomfortable all day long.
So, for lack of any better clothing option today, I pulled one of the bags of maternity clothes off of the top shelf in my bedroom closet. Keep in mind my son is 22 months old, so these clothes haven’t been worn recently. I haven’t needed to wear them recently. I lost most of my baby weight but gained it back.
I’ve known, obviously, that I need to lose weight. But I did not know that it was this bad. When you can’t button your “fat pants” there’s a problem.
Summer wardrobe staples for me are dresses and skirts. I often wear dresses with leggings or tights to work, so I suppose I could say that I hadn’t noticed my jeans getting snug. But I feel like an absolute failure standing here getting ready for work, wearing these maternity jeans. I guess this solidifies my need to eat better and get into shape.
I’ve been trying to get up each morning and walk on the treadmill but there’s always something that gets in the way. Usually it is my son waking up early and then not allowing me to put him back in bed or me falling asleep while trying to get him back to sleep. Often my anxiety has kept me awake thinking instead of sleeping well at night- then I shut off the alarm when it sounds at 4:30 a.m.
Then there is pure laziness.
I’m certain that’s what a large part of the problem is. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I try to always promote body positivity with my daughter. I never say anything negative about anyone’s looks or body, especially my own. I don’t want her to pick up on my body issues and begin to develop her own.
Since childhood, I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food. I’ve used it as a coping mechanism. I have had issues with bulemia. I have tried tons of crash diets. I’ve yo-yoed more times than I can count. I binge eat when I get depressed, angry, sad, and overwhelmed.
I know that my weight, my image, my size shouldn’t affect my sense of self-worth, self-esteem, my self-confidence, my mood, my frame of mind… but it does.
It’s obvious I need a radical change, so starting today, that’s what is going to happen.
I feel awful. I’m clueless where or how to start, but I have to stop talking and do something.
Have you been in this situation? How did you begin? Where did you begin?