The View From Rock Bottom

Today I feel like shit. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. 

I’ve done it. I have hit a new low.

Today is casual Friday at work, where we are allowed to wear jeans with a shirt embroidered with our company logo. This morning I put on my only clean pair of jeans and to my horror, I found out that I could not button them. Not even close. And even if I could somehow lay down on the bed and squeeze into them enough to be able to button them, I would be incredibly uncomfortable all day long.

So, for lack of any better clothing option today, I pulled one of the bags of maternity clothes off of the top shelf in my bedroom closet. Keep in mind my son is 22 months old, so these clothes haven’t been worn recently. I haven’t needed to wear them recently. I lost most of my baby weight but gained it back.

I’ve known, obviously, that I need to lose weight. But I did not know that it was this bad. When you can’t button your “fat pants” there’s a problem.

Summer wardrobe staples for me are dresses and skirts. I often wear dresses with leggings or tights to work, so I suppose I could say that I hadn’t noticed my jeans getting snug. But I feel like an absolute failure standing here getting ready for work, wearing these maternity jeans. I guess this solidifies my need to eat better and get into shape.

I’ve been trying to get up each morning and walk on the treadmill but there’s always something that gets in the way. Usually it is my son waking up early and then not allowing me to put him back in bed or me falling asleep while trying to get him back to sleep. Often my anxiety has kept me awake thinking instead of sleeping well at night- then I shut off the alarm when it sounds at 4:30 a.m.

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Then there is pure laziness.

I’m certain that’s what a large part of the problem is. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I try to always promote body positivity with my daughter. I never say anything negative about anyone’s looks or body, especially my own. I don’t want her to pick up on my body issues and begin to develop her own.

Since childhood, I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food. I’ve used it as a coping mechanism. I have had issues with bulemia. I have tried tons of crash diets. I’ve yo-yoed more times than I can count. I binge eat when I get depressed, angry, sad, and overwhelmed.

I know that my weight, my image, my size shouldn’t affect my sense of self-worth, self-esteem, my self-confidence, my mood, my frame of mind… but it does. 

It’s obvious I need a radical change, so starting today, that’s what is going to happen.

I feel awful. I’m clueless where or how to start, but I have to stop talking and do something.

Have you been in this situation? How did you begin? Where did you begin?

12 thoughts on “The View From Rock Bottom

  1. Dave says:

    I admire your ability to be so candid with a personal, sensitive topic. It’s an attractive quality in a writer; to write and publish straight from the heart, seemingly without edits. I hope the supporting comments from your readers bring you comfort.

  2. Sam Says says:

    My weight is down to eating bad food and too much of it. I’m probably 3 stone at least heavier than i want to be. I hit rock bottom too when I had to buy clothes a size up and then another size. It was 6 weeks ago she I rolled over in bed and was just uncomfortable in my own skin. I downloaded the Scottish slimmers app and I stick to it. I’ve lost nearly a stone so far. The app is helpful but you have to be in the head space to really want to do it other wise the app wont help. Good luck!! Xxx

  3. Jenni says:

    This hit home for me. I have been to that point. I’ve been to the extremes, but know that you’re beautiful. Maybe it’s not you, maybe it’s the pants. If you have to restrict and continually workout to be a specific size, then maybe you aren’t supposed to be that size.

  4. rebekahmorse says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I’ve totally been there! It’s tough and feels impossible to overcome. My thought: instead of radical change, pick a small change you can make. Something simple that you can change today. Work on that one small thing until you are ready to add another. You can do it, but remember real change takes time. Hang in there and shoot me an email if you’d like to talk more!

  5. mschroeder77 says:

    Oh, Sarah, sending hugs!! I’ve so been there. Having children is HARD!! We sacrifice our bodies for these little things — and not just to grow them, but afterward, the caring for them takes so much time — all the time it seems!

    But the first step is saying I am going to do something. And it sounds like you have decided that. So I wish to encourage you! Every step is important. Do what you can and if it doesn’t work, do something else!

    Getting up to walk is good. If your son wakes, could you carry him while you walk? Build that arm strength while you work those legs. 🙂

    Or can you work out over lunch at CHI? — I have so much solidarity on working out when the kids are asleep. I am a nut, so I will work out when they are awake, but it is so hard. I have to stop my workout videos SO MANY TIMES to get things for the kids.

    But my number one advice is to start with the food. Honestly, working out will help you feel better, but the battel to less of you is really won in the kitchen. I recommend the Whole 30 diet (you can google it). It is hard, but look at it as a 30 day boot camp that will jumpstart your fitness. Seriously. I think I lost almost 15lbs on my first Whole 30. Now I can just eat “mostly” whole 30 (lots of veggies, no grains or dairy, or sugar — aside from in a few sauces I’m too lazy to make) and cut back weight slowly. — And the cool thing about Whole 30 is that you can find out if your body is not tolerating anything well — as it cuts out all the potential problem foods. Then you can add them back in slowly. My body does NOT like too many grains or dairy. And if you are anything like me, you will be AMAZED how good you feel with all the sugar and junk out of your system after those 30 days!

    Anyhow, that’s my recommendation. — You could also do the Beachbody thing. I have some friends who are coaches.A lot fo people really swear by them. I like some of the work-outs, but I tend to do my own thing. — Or I can call you in the morning and tell you to work out! I’d do it for free. 🙂

    In any case, please don’t feel alone in this. You are more than your size. And you can conqure this and reach your goals. It will be hard, but I believe in you! If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know! (Such as maybe you want to try some of my work-out DVDs? Or have more questions about Whole 30? Or just want to get together and chat. I love an excuse to come to town and talk!! — And Gordie loves it, too so I don’t talk his ear off. Just holler. I’m here for you! 🙂 )

  6. Ashlee says:

    Gurl I am in that situation currently! I put on some shorts the other day and they were tight, I was like there is no way! I wear stretch pants to work also, so like you said I knew I need to lose a little. I have tried to start eating better like replacing meals with salads, and tried going to the gym. Notice I said tried, LOL, because it’s not very often. I gotta find a better route! (thoughts for the day, LOL)

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