I always try to look on the positive side. I don’t enjoy being around pessimistic people who are always complaining or finding something wrong with everything.
Then, unexpectedly, a wave of depression will wash over me and I will start drifting in thoughts…
I feel like an imposter and will never amount to anything. If anyone really knew me they wouldn’t like me at all.
I am so blessed with an incredible husband and two amazing children, but they don’t deserve a wife and mom like me.
As much as I try I can’t take care of my family, my home, and myself. I have to pick and choose what gets attention and I still feel like I do a crappy job.
I am not a decent writer, nor a decent artist, and I shouldn’t waste my time or money.
I shouldn’t bother with blogging because nothing will ever come of it.
I will never kick my habit of stress eating and sugar addiction, so I will always be overweight and unhappy with my body.
I don’t have any friends and no social life. While my husband may hang out with his friends once or twice a week I feel like a hermit with no personal interaction outside of my family and job.
This isn’t new to me, I’ve gone back and forth with these feelings since I graduated from high school.
Right now I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. I don’t feel like I have the energy to keep swimming. I want to splash in puddles, not feel like I’m trying to walk through a pool wearing ankle weights.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I take medication for my depression and anxiety. I would never do anything to hurt anyone or myself.
I just feel like in the past few days I have been stuck in an endless loop of bobbing up and down and can’t stop. I just want to sit and scream and kick my feet like my toddler having a tantrum. I want to lay in bed all day with the blankets over my head. More than anything, at this moment I just want to have an ugly cry.
But I don’t, because I can’t.
I have to get up and take care of others. I have to go to work and be a functional human being. I have to keep paddling and know that soon the feelings will pass and I’ll be dipping my toes in the water rather than swimming in it.
I try to be honest about mental health, depression, and anxiety on my blog because I know there are others out there who may feel the way I do and identify with it. Some may be experiencing the same feelings but not realize it.
If you need help, please reach out to someone. If you feel the same, don’t hide it, share your feelings so that others can see that anxiety and depression are not something that needs to be hidden or to be ashamed of.
I guess this is where I should insert some cheesy quote about learning to dance in the rain, but I’m going to just leave you with a pretty picture instead.