17 Surefire Ways to Tell You are a Parent

If you’re a parent, I guarantee at one time or another you’ve had the following thoughts, or some very similar:

Hey, I’m still cool, right?

Do I look like a mom/dad?

Does this shirt say, “I have to be home by 9:00 p.m., but I can still party?”

Will anyone notice I have puke/poop/pee/snot/breastmilk/food on my clothes?

Can anyone tell I’m a parent?

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Standing while waiting for the elevator or train you find yourself swaying as if you’re rocking a baby.

When you excuse yourself to use the restroom you accidentally call it the “potty.”

When someone sneezes you offer a tissue, a wipe, hand sanitizer, a cough drop- you’ve got it all.

You spell out words without realizing it- “Hey, I am going to go get an s-n-a-c-k, do you want anything?”

Whenever going someplace new you look around to find the nearest bathroom, just in case.

You just automatically assume someone will puke on a car trip.

You know on what days certain restaurants offer free kid’s meals.

You know exactly which wine is best paired with macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets.

At a restaurant, you ask the server for extra napkins before they even take your order.

You complain about how much toilet paper your household uses.

You don’t worry about setting an alarm because the kids will wake you up two hours early anyway.

You pick the day’s outfit based on what kind of stains it will camouflage.

You’ve begun doing the annoying counting threat that your mom always used to do.

You give anyone who swears or says something sexist or racist in front of your kid a good talking to.

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Anytime you go to the supermarket you pick up a gallon of milk, whether you know you need it or not, because you know you’ll need it.

You bribe the kids: “I’ll give you these five pennies for this one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup,”

When people ask what TV shows you’ve been into lately you only know children’s programs.



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